The Consuming Cycle

Have you ever seen someone make the same mistake over, and over, and over again?  And I mean it's obvious, people.  It leaves you truly wanting to shake your friend's, your mom's, your brothers's, your boyfriend's, your whoever it is' shoulders.  It's exhausting to see them experience the same pain, frustration, or anxiety repeatedly.  And if you're being completely honest it's exhausting to pick them up and support them from the same cause again, and again.

Honestly, this is where my mind goes even as I read the Old Testament. You mean to tell me they really forgot God after he parted the Red Sea.  They actually started worshiping a metal cow after testing the Lord and him providing what they asked and sending a wasting disease.  They witnessed miracles.  I mean they really witnessed miracles.  And yet they repeatedly turn their back on the Lord.  Over and over and over again.

Psalm 106 reminds us of that. And it says in verse 23:

"Therefore he said he would destroy them--had not Moses, his chosen one, stood in the breach before him, to turn away his wrath from destroying them."

And in verse 30:

"Then Phinehas stood up and intervened, and the plague was stayed."

The Lord provided these men who would intercede for the people.  And He would have mercy on them!  And yet there they were falling into the same sinful cycle again.  It's exhausting and I can't help but think "how can you be so dumb!"  And then I remember.

I remember all the times I've fallen into the trap of self doubt.  All the times I've fixed my focus on my plans instead of asking for His.  I remember my pride. My stress.  My thoughts.

And I remember all the miracles in my life.  How faithful the Lord has been.  The answered prayers.  Am I not cut from the same cloth as these Old Testament people?  Again and again God has provided for me.  Again and again I worship my own efforts, other sinful people's advice, and my circumstances.

And that's when I had a mind blowing revelation.  Something that really I've known for years but that I forget just like my Old Testament brothers and sisters.  They had Moses and Phinehas interceding for them.  I have the King of kings and Lord of lords--Jesus Christ interceding for me.

He is the one who stands in the breach for me.  The one who stands up and intervenes.  And my Heavenly Father hears Him and has mercy on me.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for the cross.  Thank you that you intercede.  Even when I am exhausting.  And you see me experience the same pain, frustration, and anxiety.  When you have to console me over the same cause again, and again.  Thank you. Thank you for your living word that reminds me and refreshes me of who you are and your goodness.

You are the relentless God and in the midst of an exhausting cycle my rest is in you.

The True Dreamland

The past couple of weeks I've allowed past sweet memories and images of my desired future to plague me. I can feel my focus slipping from the sovereignty and the present blessings of God.

Do you know those moments?  Where you can picture that past, perfect memory as clear as if it were unraveling right before you. Or maybe you can see your perfect future, in your perfect house, with your perfect husband, and your perfect family, where you leave them to go to your perfect job. Who would ever want to leave this dreamland?  But then all at once you start to feel the pressures of the now creep back into the picture. The demands of your current non-perfect job, non-perfect family, and the stress of an unanswered life-altering decision that needs to be made.

And in those moments my soul refuses to be comforted. Truly I know that the Lord is good and that His plan kicks my dreamland's butt, but in all honesty my spirit faints within me because it's easier to dream of perfect. To stay numb to the pressures of this world that are messy and hard, but ultimately guide you to the Lord's grace and peace that transcends all understanding.  Is it wrong to remember the goodness of our past?  Is it wrong to look forward to the future and to the blessings God will surely give to us?  Why do I feel so empty when I meditate on that, if it's not wrong?  And then God told me in His Word:

"I said, 'Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.'  Then my spirit made a diligent search: 'Will the Lord spurn forevermore, and never again be favorable?  Has his steadfast love forever ceased?  Are his promises at an end for all time?  Has God forgotten to be gracious?  Has he in his anger shut up his compassion?'  

Then I said, 'I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.'

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.  Your way, O God, is holy. What God is great like our God?  You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples."  Psalm 77:6-14

All of this is stated after, "I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints." Vs. 1-3

There is freedom in remembering the faithfulness of the Lord throughout His holy testimony--the scriptures.  Can I be so bold to say that we are quick to remember the sea splitting but not all of the struggle and the fight it took for Moses and the Israelites to get to that point?  All of the times the Lord fought for them to even reach that good and perfect miracle. It's not all seemingly beautiful all the time!  And that's okay. More than okay, because in those hard and messy moments we see the real, passionate, love and power of Christ that is ready for battle.  

So when my soul refuses to be comforted and I don't even want to free myself from "dreamland" I'm committed to remembering all of the messy blessings. The storm before the calm. Because could I ever enjoy or even notice the calm if I haven't first experienced the storm?  Just as Moses had to experience the ugly before the miracle I choose to remember that every past memory had struggle. It had fight and grit and that's what made the miracle so beautiful. Let's commit ourselves to focusing on the Lord's faithfulness in our past instead of one snapshot of seemingly "perfect"--that if we are honest, leaves us desperately obsessed with every worldly thing that feels like it could take us one step closer to complete perfection. Let's remember how steadfast He has been in the testimony He is writing through us as well as His holy testimony found in the scriptures. He is the God of our past, our present, and our future. And when our soul refuses to be comforted let's fix our focus on Him.